Photogenic Thinking

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
◦Witness: “No.”
◦Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
◦Witness: “No.”
◦Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
◦Witness: “No.”
◦Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
◦Witness: “No.”
◦Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
◦Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
◦Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
◦Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Just another little piece of Blogging Twilight. My gosh! I can’t stop laughing!!

(On the new and improved vampire Bella. AKA Her perfect perfection…)  If Bella got rabies, she wouldn’t foam at the mouth, but would shoot rainbows from her nostrils. If she was stricken with a hideous toe fungus, it wouldn’t make her toenail look like zombie flesh, but instead her toe would encase itself in a cocoon of the finest silk. And if Bella drank a lot of soda, she wouldn’t succumb to burps, but instead her gastrointestinal system would recite a wondrous melody that sounded like a Beatles song mixed with Beethoven. Bella isn’t a typical girl. She’s the most fabulous woman in all the lands, and nothing bad shall ever befall her.

So, this is all an excerpt from this hilarious blog on Spark Notes called Blogging Twilight.  The blog centers around an average guy reading and summerizing every chapter in the Twilight series. Everytime I read his blogs, I start crying due to excessive laughter. Here is a little bit that tickled me this evening. Enjoy all you Twilight haters! :)

The Cullens don’t know why their house plant is dying.

EDWARD: My beloved house plant. It’s…dying!
JACOB: Maybe it needs to be watered?
CARLISLE: Watered with milk?
JACOB: No, with water.
CARLISLE: Salty water?
JACOB: No, regular water.
CARLISLE: And do we place a cup of water near the plant, and give the plant a bendy straw?
JASPER: Maybe if we move sideways…
JACOB: No, you pour the water into the soil.
ESME: How much vinegar do we use?
JACOB: None. Just use water.
ALICE: Cinnamon is a type of water, right? I’ll go get cinnamon…
JACOB: No.
CARLISLE: What if we kill the plant with fire? That way, the water could put out the fire.
JASPER: That makes sense. I’ll get the fire.
ROSE: No! We must give the plant a chance to live! Let’s just wait and see what happens.
BELLA: Magic love might cure the plant. If I love the plant hard enough, it will live. [BELLA SHUTS HER EYES VIGOROUSLY, TRYING TO USE MAGIC LOVE POWERS] Grrr….love, love, love.
JACOB: You just pour regular tap water on the plant.
ESME: This sounds dangerous. I’d better hum.
CARLILSE: There’s water in soup. Should I make soup and then pour the soup onto the floor near the plant?
JASPER: Moving sideways will help significantly.
EMMETT: Guys! Shut up! I’m trying to make arrows out frozen snakes!
QUIL: My girlfriend can’t pronounce “spaghetti” correctly.